To the SEN parent dreading teacher/parent conferences - you are not alone
I used to absolutely dread parent–teacher conferences. I didn’t realise it at the time, but I’d feel sick about it for the entire week leading up to it. I knew my bright, articulate teen was smarter than me in many, many ways (as she loves to remind me 😀) — but that wasn’t always reflected in the classroom, and I was often a ball of stress in the lead-up.
For many parents of neurodivergent children, those ten-minute meetings can feel less like updates and more like performance reviews — not just for our kids, but for us.
On reflection, maybe that had to do with my own RSD (rejection sensitive dysphoria), or worry that my child’s RSD would be triggered. I worried that my child was seen as lazy, unmotivated, or—as one teacher put it—“just not showing up emotionally to the lessons.”
And of course, there were reasons for that. She was exhausted. She was in autistic burnout. She could ace a pub quiz with her encyclopaedic brain, but couldn’t organise herself to finish an assignment — no matter the incentive (and yes, I tried bribery).
Those parent–teacher conferences sometimes felt confronting and made me feel sad. Not because teachers said anything particularly awful (most of the time), but because they highlighted the gap between potential and reality. I felt sad that, for my child, school wasn’t the enjoyable experience it seemed to be for others. Sad that executive function skills that came so easily to her peers seemed out of her grasp. Sad that this sometimes made her (and me) feel like a failure.
It wasn’t even really about academic success — it just sometimes felt like a judgement of her character, and of my parenting.
Here are some strategies I found useful during this time.
Before the Meeting: Plan in Advance
A few days before conferences, I’d ask my kids, “What do you think your teachers are going to say about you?”
Getting them to reflect on their progress — what they’d made an effort with and what they hadn’t — was powerful. It allowed them to be honest with themselves (and with me) about what was really going on, and it opened doors to conversations about causes and next steps.
During the Meeting: Take Notes
Make notes on both the positive and constructive feedback. The mind tends to cling to the negatives, so it helps to see things written down in a more balanced way. My daughter and I could come back to those notes later and look at the feedback as exactly that — constructive next steps.
Bonus: taking notes also gives you something to focus on if, like me, you find those social interactions draining.
After the Meeting: Remember the Bigger Picture and Celebrate the Wins
If your child has a diagnosed (or suspected) learning difference, they’re going to find some skills harder than their peers — and that’s OK.
If they’ve made progress in handing in their homework on time but still aren’t doing well in tests yet, celebrate the achievement. And if you feel it’s appropriate, gently remind teachers of the bigger picture too: that your child’s current focus might be learning to self-regulate, not mastering Pythagoras — and that’s OK, too.
Moving Forward: Ask “What Next?”
Ask the teacher this — and later, ask your child.
What’s the next logical step to move forward?
What do you need to do?
Is there any support that could help?
What can I (or anyone else) do to support you?
This is far more effective than stepping in with “You need to…” — it gives your child ownership and encourages reflection.
❤️ To Every SEN Parent Dreading Parents’ Evening
You’re not alone — and your child’s story can’t be summed up in a ten-minute slot. There’s so much more to them (and to you) than what fits on a report card.
And if you’d like help preparing for parents’ evening — or turning teacher feedback into practical next steps at home — that’s exactly what I support families with. You don’t have to navigate it alone.
