But, what’s wrong with me?

Yes, but what is wrong with me?

Sitting in the comfy office of the educational psychologist, my 15-year-old daughter and I listened to him rattle off all the ways my daughter had aced the assessments: great short term memory; above average reasoning skills; strong verbal and written skills, the list went on, until my daughter jokingly said, "Yes, but what is wrong with me?" She knew, despite all the accolades bestowed upon her by the results, that there was something we couldn't quite put our finger on that made her stand out for all the wrong reasons. And that reason was a diagnosis of autism.

Pretty mild autism in the grand scheme of things, the ed psych said, but all of a sudden, we could point to the cause of all those differences we saw in my daughter's life. With the diagnosis, I thought we'd finally found the key to unlock all the doors my daughter had been struggling to open. What I didn't realize then was that she'd become an expert at hiding those struggles, wearing different masks throughout her day - the 'totally organized' student in class, the 'perfectly calm' teenager in group projects, the 'everything's fine' daughter at home. Each mask was crafted to help her fit into a world that wasn't designed for her unique way of thinking.

When Accommodations Fall Short

Pretty mild autism in the grand scheme of things, the ed psych said, but all of a sudden, we could point to the cause of all those differences we saw in my daughter’s life:  the reason for the immense disorganisation that hindered her showing her incredible intellect and knowledge; the social awkwardness that made it challenging to work with others; the sheer exhaustion of trying to keep up socially and academically. 

But now, we both sighed in relief.  There was a reason for all these things.  A diagnosis.  And with that diagnosis, my daughter could get the support and accommodations she needed to help her be successful in school and life, and all would be right with the world.  Right?

Right?

Wrong.  

I naively thought that an ed psych report naming the root cause of my daughter's struggles would lead to accommodations and strategies at school that would help her be successful. But the truth is none of those accommodations - the extra time in exams, the extensions of deadlines, the seating plans to aid a sense of familiarity with regular collaborative peers - none of those things changed the fact that my daughter was hopelessly disorganized and didn't have the skills we need to navigate challenges of getting things done - skills that were essential for everyday life, not just academic success.

The Real Challenges

What my daughter really needed help with was managing the nitty-gritty details of everyday life like setting alarms to remind her about tasks; planning out a week of assignments in advance so that she doesn't have four things to do in one night; figuring out what 'write a two thousand word essay' really involves; finding ways to just get started and how to keep going, even when the task isn't that interesting... I'm sure if you are a parent of a neurodivergent child, you know exactly what I mean.

Beyond the Diagnosis

The bad news is that getting a diagnosis of some type of neurodivergence is not going to magically make your or your child's life better. It might get you access to support or medication, yes, but no amount of ADHD medicine or extra time in an exam is going to solve the gaps in your child's skills in planning, organizing, time management and focus. The good news is that those skills can be developed. Our brains are wonderfully capable of forming new habits and learning new things, and with support and structure, neurodivergent young people can find strategies that work for them so they can showcase their brilliant insights and knowledge.

Finding Their Path

So if our story speaks to you in some way and you are a parent navigating the stresses of raising a neurodivergent child so that they can be successful, I want to offer you some hope. Firstly, know that they are going to be OK. The world is full of wonderfully wired neurodivergent people who have found their place in the world and they are doing remarkable things. And secondly, those skills that they need to get things done... they WILL develop, perhaps slower than anticipated, but your child will find their way.

Creating a Mask-Free Zone

If your child needs a safe, judgment-free space to develop these essential life skills, I'd love to help. As an Executive Function Coach specializing in neurodivergent young people, I create personalized strategies that work with your child's unique way of thinking. Book a free 15-minute consultation to learn how we can work together.

And for parents seeking community and practical strategies, join our monthly workshops where we share experiences, learn new approaches, and support each other on this journey.